Tuesday, November 28, 2006

biography of Charles early memories enhanced

Dear Self.

I am altogether a random person, I have lived like this for several decades, I have had regular jobs, and even been married twice, but my minute to minute life is a bit on the random side, Someone I am sure has told me I have ADD or one of those other disorders but I do not think so, I can focus on the here and now at the drop of an eyelid. I am in control honest, it just does not seem that way and I use it to control the people around me if I am in that mood. I have been correctly called a control freak, and I know where that stems from. My dad was in the military, US Air Force and for the first 14 years of my life I controlled nothing about my life. Nothing. Just the me at the time. I started learning control of things early early on, first it was balance, I loved to find the balance point of objects and balance them for hours. I work with staves as my form of martial arts because of this early control I gained. I was good on my feet, able to rock climb and rock jump at early ages, all this self taught, I asked few people how to do these things I worked them all out on my own. Then I started working on my body, control of my limbs, relaxation therapy long before I even knew what it was. I can pinpoint pain anywhere in my body and given enough time get rid of it. Or know that it is something out of my reach and wonder if I need a doctor, LOL I have suffered a lot of aliments trying to solve them myself. Most recently last year the blood clots that were slowly killing me. I pushed myself to literally death's door because I thought I could control the pain and trouble I was having. I got so close to death, that several times I saw the great white lights. Not just this last time but times before. Recently in my Christian growth I have given up the control that I had always sought. For me a Total body control freak to give up control was and is a mass movement of mind and body. I understand things like I have never understood them before. I have been a Christian for decades, having learned that prayers got answered, whether I wanted them too or not. I learned I had no control over that, I prayed for wisdom as a kid, figuring much like Solomon must have that wisdom equals knowledge and Knowledge equals Power. Look at today's world Knowledge is still power. But I wanted wisdom for the reason of knowing how to control myself. I had fears, I had people calling me names as a kid, I wanted to know how to control this fear in me, I wanted to learn how to swim without the fear of the water at my chest stopping me. I wanted wisdom for that reason. I also prayed early on for Faith. Faith of a mustard seed that could move mountains, could that faith help me master my fears? I prayed for faith, I understood why the mustard seed had the faith, I was a gardener I understood the processes that seeds went through to grow. I knew the faith had to be bone deep, the very fiber of my being had to TRUST in GOD to have the FAITH to move the mountain. Wisdom gave me the knowledge of these things, I read everything I could read, I studied things to the Nth degree, I understood things and did not tell people what I knew, keeping my secrets.
I am a Christian. These are literally the end of days, I prayed to be here when Christ came again, I don't know if I'll get that one answered or not. But all the others got answered. I know that for me Christ comes again when I finally die. Having been literally on death's door as the door was opening to let me in I know I have no fear of death, none, NONE. So much so that it could be plain scarey for everyone that knows me in real life. I have no fear of death, I do things that have high risk involved, why, laughs, I don't fear death. I don't fear life either. I just live in the now. If God has something for me to do, I have to know it is God talking to me, cause devils and demons would love to get ahold of a fearless person. I have to question a lot of my own thoughts, who is guiding them who is whispering them to me, my own massive ego, a little demon in the woodwork, the Holy Spirit trying to get me to do the right things.
So If I act random to you, just remember I come at life from a different place and I see things that others just are barely noticing. Scary at times to see the things I see I wonder at times for my own sanity and then I read e.mails from my wife #2 and I think, nope that was not what i was thinking when you read them and told me what you thought I was thinking. So okay I am or was sane for that 10 second period of time. Slow down, back off, sit still watch the clouds go by, move the stave around and around make the muscles burn the lactic acid out of them and build in different parts of the tendon structures and think in a calm manner. Martial arts helps me keep sane in the hectic life I lead inside my head.
Now you know. Hugglies, Charles.


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